The Dangers of Co-Dependency

Healthy relationships are good for mental health. It is good to know that when times get tough, we have people who love us to lean on and support us. That love and support can get us through dire circumstances and keep us moving toward brighter days ahead.

It is good to be able to depend on other people. However, independence is a good thing too. Even when we lean on others, it is good for our mental and physical health to be able to rely on ourselves and to give of ourselves when others also need help.

Sometimes we can depend on others too much, which can cause an unhealthy imbalance in relationships. Our behavior becomes abnormal when it causes harm to ourselves or others. One such way this can happen is through co-dependency.

What Is Co-Dependency?

According to the fifth and latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), co-dependency itself is not a distinct psychological disorder. However, it is a factor in several mental health issues, including substance abuse and many personality disorders. How do we define co-dependency?

Co-dependency occurs in a relationship when one person's behavior enables the self-destructive or otherwise harmful behavior of the other person. In a co-dependent relationship, the enabler gives your loved one the facility to engage in behaviors that may cause harm to themselves or others. The enabler does this out of love, but the power imbalance may come to cause damage to them.

Co-Dependency in Relationships: Warning Signs

Relationships do not often begin as co-dependent. Instead, some of us possess certain personality traits that make us more susceptible to becoming an enabler, allowing another person to abuse them through controlling behaviors.

People who might be at risk for enabling others' behaviors might exhibit some of the following characteristics:

• Being willing to sacrifice your own needs for the wants of others

• Intentionally restricting your own wants in favor of those of another person or persons

• Finding oneself trying to take care of someone at the expense of your own needs

• Letting the standards and rules of other people control your life

• Not expressing your own feelings for fear they might offend someone

• Being afraid to seek attention, even if it benefits your own well-being

Some of the characteristics above may be admirable qualities, but when they allow you to become an enabler, these qualities become abnormal. We cannot let the behavior of others cause harm to us, no matter how noble a personality trait we may possess.

Not all people who are enabled mean to hurt others through their behavior. They may not even realize they are engaging in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. Sometimes they may struggle with a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental health disorder. In some cases, they may struggle with addiction and issues stemming from substance abuse.

Co-Dependency and Substance Abuse

Not all family members of people with substance use disorder (SUD) have co-dependent relationships with their loved ones and enablers. However, researchers have found strong connections between substance abuse and co-dependency in relationships.

In studies, spouses of those who engage in substance use were more likely to display a host of co-dependent psychological factors, including neuroticism, being highly open and agreeable to an abnormal extent, and high-stress levels. In the same studies, researchers have found that openness and agreeableness in individuals represent two personality traits that moderate codependent behaviors. How does this work?

People who are agreeable tend to be able to regulate their own feelings, especially in prosocial environments, keeping them from engaging in negative codependent behaviors. They can empathize with their loved ones without enabling their behavior or allowing their own needs to be sublimated. People who are open are more creative and can better reduce stress and quickly evaluate situations. This trait allows the individual to cope with problem-oriented skills, thus managing stress more easily.

Going From Co-dependence to Independence

Being in a co-dependent relationship can feel suffocating for the enabler. Over time, the degradation of mental health can take its toll and leave you with feelings including depression and anxiety.

Luckily, there is hope. There are behaviors that enablers engage in and personality traits such as openness and agreeability, which encourage independence in relationships. Thanks to psychotherapy and clinical treatment, we can learn new behaviors through treatments such as behavior therapy and family counseling that can end the cycle of co-dependence and bring us into the light of a brighter tomorrow.

What Is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) seeks to modify our behavior by showing how it impacts every aspect of our daily lives. It aims to show us how our behavior is connected to how we feel and think and then helps us learn skills to modify behaviors that cause detriment to ourselves or those around us.

Just as we learn to behave, we can change how we behave. In co-dependent relationships, enablers' behaviors make their own needs and feelings secondary to the person they enable. In CBT, these behaviors can be modified by learning to break that cycle, recognizing one's feelings as valid and legitimate, and learning to engage in behaviors that assert one's own needs.

Family Counseling: Seeking Treatment Together

It is also important to engage in therapy together when breaking the cycle of co-dependence. Family therapy can help couples and family members in co-dependent relationships by facilitating communication, offering support, and creating an atmosphere of sharing and learning during the recovery process.

Comprehensive Treatment for Co-Dependency

Co-dependent relationships can affect every part of your life and the lives of others around you. They can leave you with low self-esteem and low self-worth. Luckily, you can break free of this cycle. Help and hope are within your grasp. You can learn to cope again with a healthy mind, body, and spirit, free of the toxicity of a co-dependent relationship.

Individual therapy is often essential for people working to overcome co-dependent patterns. This personalized approach allows individuals to explore their own needs, boundaries, and relationship patterns in a safe, supportive environment.

Evidence-based treatment approaches have proven effective in addressing co-dependency and its underlying causes. These may include various therapeutic modalities that help individuals develop healthier relationship patterns and stronger sense of self.

Addressing Co-occurring Issues

Many individuals struggling with co-dependency also deal with other mental health concerns. Co-occurring disorders treatment can address both co-dependency patterns and any additional mental health conditions simultaneously.

For those whose co-dependency is connected to past traumatic experiences, trauma-informed care approaches can help address the underlying trauma while working on relationship patterns. EMDR therapy may be beneficial for processing traumatic experiences that contribute to co-dependent behaviors.

Building Healthy Boundaries

Dialectical behavior therapy can be particularly helpful for individuals struggling with co-dependency, as it focuses on interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance—all crucial skills for establishing healthy boundaries in relationships.

Group therapy can provide valuable peer support and opportunities to practice healthy relationship skills with others who understand the challenges of co-dependency.

Treatment Settings and Support

Various levels of care can support recovery from co-dependent patterns. Outpatient treatment allows individuals to work on relationship patterns while maintaining their daily responsibilities. Intensive outpatient programs can provide more frequent support for those needing additional structure.

When co-dependency is connected to enabling someone with severe addiction or mental health issues, partial hospitalization or inpatient residential treatment may be necessary to create the space needed for healing and establishing boundaries.

Holistic Approaches to Recovery

Holistic treatment approaches recognize that co-dependency affects all aspects of a person's well-being. These may include mindfulness therapy to help individuals become more aware of their own needs and feelings, as well as stress reduction techniques that support overall wellness.

Special Populations

Different populations may face unique challenges with co-dependency. Women may face societal pressures that reinforce caretaking behaviors, while men may struggle with expressing emotional needs. Adults who grew up in households with addiction or mental health issues may be particularly prone to developing co-dependent patterns.

Long-term Recovery Support

Breaking free from co-dependent patterns is often an ongoing process. Aftercare programs can provide continued support as individuals work to maintain healthy boundaries and relationships in their daily lives.

The journey from co-dependency to healthy interdependence takes time, patience, and professional support. Recovery involves learning to value your own needs, establish appropriate boundaries, and develop relationships based on mutual respect rather than enabling patterns.

Use our comprehensive treatment directory to find qualified mental health professionals who specialize in treating co-dependency and related relationship issues. Our directory helps you locate providers experienced in evidence-based approaches to overcoming co-dependent patterns and building healthier, more balanced relationships.